The other day I came to quite the conclusion. ED is back. No, not as loud, not as intense, not as controlling, but it’s back. Over the past 9 months I have been engaging in pseudorecovery. I have been consciously and intentionally under-eating. While at first it seemed harmless, in November I found myself in a state of mind where I was craving relapse – I just wanted to be sick again. This notion quickly went away, but my restriction didn’t. I had convinced myself that somehow this restriction was different than my eating disorder, but I’ve come to realize that really it isn’t. If this were something that happened closer to my last stint in treatment, I guarantee I would be going back to some sort of treatment. However, that’s not the case – and I don’t plan for it to be.
I’ve been stuck in a rut for a while now, I have not been eating enough for my body, and despite knowing that, breaking that boundary has been hard as hell. Having a coach has helped me open up to the idea of eating more but it’s still a huge challenge. I’m actively making an effort, but that doesn’t always end up in the desired result at the end of the day.
Last night I logged the highest number of calories in My Fitness Pal that I have in a while. It was slightly terrifying, but I had to remind myself that it was actually a good thing. Texted my mom saying “go me!” to reinforce that higher calorie intake is what I need to be doing right now, and it shouldn’t be an anomaly, it should be a regular thing. Even though I ate more yesterday than I usually do, I still have a ways to go – it still was not enough, and it was just one day out of millions of others.
I’m writing this post for two main reasons: 1. accountability and 2. transparency. As much as I love fitness and I love this lifestyle, right now my mentality is not 100% and I want you guys to know that. We all struggle and the ability to admit that is important. I could continue on this way for a while and ignore the fact that it’s not healthy, ignore the fact that I know I shouldn’t be waking up in the middle of the night hungry, that I know seeing each rib when I look in the mirror after I get out of the shower is not a good thing, but I have to face these things. As comfortable as it is knowing I’m under-eating, I know in my mind that it’s not good for me mentally or physically. Actively admitting that I need to change my behaviour is terrifying, but here I am. Now working to actually change my behaviour is going to be even more terrifying, but again, here I am.
So here’s to acknowledging our struggles, facing our relapses, and fighting out demons. It’ll be worth it.