Recently I was going back and forth with the idea of changing my Instagram handle. I was worried that people thought it was “too cheesy” or “silly.” But then I took a step back and thought about the reason I chose the handle and the name for my personal brand.
Fit and Fearless.
I chose it because of how it connects to me and my life thus far, so who cares if someone doesn’t love it? It means something to me and that’s what matters
Since my last treatment stay for my eating disorder at 16, the word fearless has meant a lot to me. This treatment center was located in Utah, which is in an entirely different country than where I live, so to say that it was a difficult time is a bit of an understatement. Not only was I trying to cope with missing home, my family, my friends; but I was being forced to go against the beliefs my eating disorder had instilled in me. These things had given me comfort for so long and it was terrifying to think of letting them go.
The first few weeks of my stay I would use my one phone call a week to call my mom and bawl my eyes out begging her to let me come home – trying to convince her I was ‘fine now’… but, of course, that never happened. I stayed in Utah for the next seven months.
One of the traditions of the treatment centre is to leave a quote on the wall of one of the rooms when you’re discharged. It’s something that all the girls there put a lot of consideration into since it’s a representation of not only their treatment stay, but the battle against their eating disorder.
Throughout highschool, I was a big Taylor Swift fan. I remember buying her Speak Now CD at the Starbucks in Sick Kid’s Hospital so I could listen to it even though I was hospitalized as an inpatient at the time. So when I thought about what quote I wanted to leave as my mark in Utah, I thought of one from Taylor that happened to fit perfectly:
“To me, ‘FEARLESS’ is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.”
This became my quote of choice. I went through so many things in treatment that were TERRIFYING to me: I made changes to behaviours and mindsets that had dictated my daily life, I went against disordered thoughts that I had learned to trust as the only option. After fighting through those challenges, despite my desire to do anything I could to remain in my eating disorder, that last sentence of the quote rang true. I really had lived “in spite of those things that scare[d me] to death.”
I grew an attachment to the word Fearless and I even wrote a song when I was leaving treatment called “Fearless Fighter.” So when I started getting interested in fitness and moving towards a healthy relationship with exercise and nutrition, Fearless was the word that came to mind again, especially after dealing with a relapse this past year.
So when thinking of a name for my personal brand that meant something to me, Fit & Fearless seemed to be an accurate representation of my fitness, my life, and myself. I don’t just want to be fit. I want to enjoy my life, enjoy different kinds of foods, be happy in my own body, realize my self worth… I want to be Fit & Fearless.